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Posted - 23/12/2002 : 16:10:18
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Memo From Mordor- Sauron's Letter To Santa
Well, it's time of year again, where has the time got to! Barad-Dur
is looking very festive, even if I do say so myself. Shelob has put
all eight of her stockings up and I have had several hundred candied
elves hung from the battlements. In keeping with the spirit of the
season My Orcs have had several scout parties of Gondorian Rangers to
dinner...sorry, that should read "as" dinner. I have Persuaded My
Nazgul to wear their red, fur trimmed bobble hats and the
miscellaneous Fell Creatures look very fetching all decked in their
foam antlers. I racked My brain (an amusing process!) trying to come
up with a way of spreading My good cheer throughout Middle-Earth and
finally decided to gift All Folk with a traditional White-Out
Christmas. Let the blizzards roll!
Now, I know I've been bad this year, One does, after all, have to set
(Thank you, incidentally, for placing me on top of your list of Bad
Boys for the Second Age running. Ming, Baron Harkonnen, Vlad, Spike,
Magneto, Bester and Apothis are green with envy! Oh, that's actually
mildew? Must remember to have them fumigated.)
But for Christmas this year I would really like to get the full set
of weapons of mass destruction collectible trading cards (with the
signed Britney Spears holofoil card please), waterproof steeds for my
Nazgul, a Nokia fingers-free Palantir, a pair of novelty Hobbit's
Foot slippers, a dried elf ear anklet for Shelob (make that 8), a
wagonload of chainsaws for Saruman, a bottle of Lidless Eye
drops....or if you can't manage any of these, I should still be ever
so glad to get any old trinket that you might have lying in the
bottom of your sack...yes, that secondhand Ring of Power will do
Ta very much!
Be assured that last year's unfortunate incident with the anti-eagle
ballista as you entered My Airspace will not be repeated. The Witch-
King has been ordered to keep an eye out for you, so even if he does
get a shot off he probably won't be very accurate....